We have a significant section on Subpersonalities which can be found on the ‘Our Philosophy’ page. This article is a useful addition to the resources in that section.
Below is an extract from the book Become Part of the Solution, exploring the relationships between three of the primary subpersonalities, the perfectionist, the procrastinator and the people pleaser. The more we understand these characters and the intimate relationships they share, the better we can navigate these choppy waters. Read on to find out more about this fascinating trilogy…
These three ‘P’s are like silent assassins. We don’t tend to notice their work until they have long left the building, leaving a trail of devastation behind. We probably all recognise one of the traits in ourselves, maybe more, and we will certainly know others who possess them. They are quite pervasive, but do not make the mistake of treating them as inconsequential.
The perfectionist can appear full of virtue and can charm us into believing that this is a destination we should be pursuing. However, the perfectionist is generally one who is discontent, dissatisfied, and unfulfilled. Rarely is their mind at peace, rarely do they find comfort in their chosen activities. In their pursuit of excellence, they often create ruination. They undermine and destroy relationships because nothing is ever good enough.
The perfectionist sits in a place of perpetual expectation, expecting to meet a standard they can rarely meet themselves whilst expecting that of others. And in both cases, they are devastated when that expectation is not fulfilled. Their philosophy on the face of it seems admirable. Why shouldn’t we try to achieve perfection? Surely this is the way to best fulfil our potential. Unfortunately, this philosophy is inflexible and unflinching. It does not move from its obsessive focus, and it expects everything to align itself to its position.
If you are a perfectionist, you will know that moments of happiness are few and far between, because you are only ever truly happy when you think you’ve cracked it. If you know a perfectionist you will probably find them intense, overbearing, and relentless in their demands. Despite your best efforts, nothing seems enough to nourish them, and you’re left feeling inadequate.
Perfection is not the goal of life. It’s better to choose progress, and if perfection comes because of that, well that’s a beautiful side-effect. It is important for us all to strive for excellence in what we do, but that must not be at the expense of our humanity or at the expense of others. If we’ve achieved perfection in something, but have brutalised our own hearts and broken our most sacred relationships in the process, can one say this was worth it? I think not.
I believe a perfectionist is unlikely to reach their desired destination. I have not, to date, met a happy perfectionist. These are individuals who cannot live with their contradictions and shortcomings. They are unable to love those ugly, undeveloped parts of the self and as a consequence, they make things worse in their world, both internally and externally.
The antidote for being a perfectionist is simply not to pursue perfection. Become passionate about being your very best. Be so kind that the ugliest parts of you move out of the darkness and seek the light. Be so brave that no matter how inadequate and insufficient you feel, you keep looking for the solutions. Be so understanding that you look past your misdemeanours and mistakes and find the lessons in each one. Be so honest and courageous that you can look your demons in the eye and make them your friends.
Perfectionism often denies the truth as it is because it wishes it were another way. But this is its great mistake. One has to be able to accept things as they are to have any chance of finding perfection and it’s through that acceptance that one grows and fulfils their reason for being. Choose progress and you will ‘perfect’ yourself. You’ll find your perfect self is more than enough.
The procrastinator is so persuasive, alluring, and seductive. It can have the best of us doing tomorrow what really should be done today. It has a plethora of reasons why ‘this’ can wait and why ‘that’ can be done at another time. Its rationale is well constructed and seems to make total sense.
If you look closely, you will see the procrastinator is one of your cleverest defence mechanisms. It often emerges when you’re afraid that you might not be able to meet a deadline or complete a task. So, your fear of failure gives you a ‘legitimate’ reason to back out or to leave it. But what it doesn’t tell you at the time is the consequences are unlikely to be ones that you’re happy with. That part of the contract is usually written in small print and it’s when the consequences turn up that you’re then racked with disappointment and guilt and the feeling of ‘if only’ consumes you.
Procrastination doesn’t only turn up because of our fear of failure, it can equally turn up because of our fear of succeeding. Success is probably what most people are pursuing whether they are aware of it or not, but most people don’t know what to do with it when it turns up because it’s not quite what they expected it to be. I’ve worked with many successful people who have everything most people would give their right arm for, and now they have what they’ve worked their whole lives for, the size of the responsibility and expectation is more than many of them can bear.
And so, procrastination becomes their friend. They defer and put off for fear of more demand and responsibility. They try to find different ways of avoiding the thing they had so frantically pursued. They begin to hide from the life they’ve created and now are looking for a different kind of fulfilment, an inner peace and contentment.
Procrastination can turn up in many forms but if you are to discover how your procrastinator is sabotaging your best efforts and dreams, you will need to take a closer look. And I’m sure you will find either a fear of failure or success is lurking somewhere in the shadows.
It’s easy to think of procrastination as being about laziness. Rarely is this the case. It might on first inspection look like laziness, but in truth that apathy, that lethargy is just a way of not facing the fear and the challenges that come with that.
Next time your procrastinator turns up, realise she is trying to protect you, because she’s not been persuaded that the task or the goal ahead can be met with the current resources and so, putting your plans onto the list of deferrals is a clever and sophisticated way to avoid the pain of disappointment and failure.
The antidote for this is to be excruciatingly honest. Recognise what’s really going on. Look at what you’re afraid of. Is that fear real or is it simply a habit, a pattern of familiarity that has been running your life because of some earlier experience that you’ve never made peace with. The closer you look at your procrastinator the more you will find it’s running away from something and by deferring ‘doing’ it will hopefully never bump into that fear.
You must change your inner narrative. You must overturn this lie. And to do that you have been given a map throughout this book which shows you how to reach that destination. Build healthy obsessions, talk to yourself positively and kindly, treat others with compassion and empathy, pursue those activities that make your heart sing and honour your truth. The more you can be honest about what’s going on in you, the less the procrastinator will turn up and eventually s/he’ll have no reason to be there.
The people pleaser is busy trying to fit in, to be liked, to be loved and she will generally do anything to ingratiate herself. The problem with the people pleaser is that she easily loses her identity as she gives up her authenticity and adapts herself to the needs of her audience. She’s like a chameleon.
The people pleasing character has an outward appearance that is likeable and attractive, as she gives the message ‘I’m here to meet your needs’ and who amongst us isn’t happy when someone is willing to meet our needs? But it’s important to realise this character often has underlying expectations and is not performing those acts of kindness unconditionally.
This is a very powerful subpersonality, because its philosophy is that one must do what’s necessary to be part of the in-crowd and it doesn’t care what the cost is. If you have people pleasing traits, you will recognise the ease with which you give up your convictions if they put you at odds with those around you. In fact, you’ll notice there are times when your passionately held views and opinions, like a weathervane, change direction, according to the way the wind of public opinion is blowing.
People pleasers live uncomfortably within their own skins because rarely do they honour what’s true for themselves. Many people pleasers have gone so far down this route that they no longer know when asked what their opinion is. They look around for some nudge or clue from somewhere else to point them in the right direction.
If you don’t recognise yourself in this text, you probably recognise a people pleaser in your life, because he is busy trying to make everyone else happy when he is clearly not happy himself. He’s busy pretending all is right in his world but when you look more closely what you discover are feelings of uncertainty and anxiety driving many of his choices and decisions. People pleasers tend to be hyperactive depressives. On the one hand they can be the life and soul of the party, but when you see them behind closed doors, they are often flat and empty – exhausted by the demands of their role.
To be free of this character, we need to first work out who we really are and where we are heading? If we have no clarity about either of these questions, we’ll continue to take refuge in other people’s ambitions, goals, and dreams. We’ll attach ourselves to that which helps us to best get our own needs met, whilst unwittingly sacrificing our true natures in the process.
Aspiring for authenticity is the easiest way to disassociate yourself from the people pleaser. By all means value, respect and even admire those who are examples of integrity, humanity and kindness. Those who use their creativity and ingenuity for the greater good. But don’t make the mistake of losing yourself within that admiration. Be inspired, emulate those who provide us with positive templates, but most of all find out who you really are. Don’t be afraid of that journey.
Then you will find the song of your own heart and when you do, sing it regularly. Organise your own choir and blast out wondrous tunes that uplift, encourage and move you. Align yourself to those things that are right and true for you and don’t give away your power by being influenced by the last conversation or the next one unless it resonates deeply with your heart and mind.
To fully free yourself of the people pleaser characteristic, you have to have the courage to be yourself – and you have to cultivate the faith that even if you can’t see it yet, you are worthy of your vote. Vote for your own magnificence and it will turn up in your life.
The perfectionist, procrastinator and people pleaser are responsible for so much deception and damage. Listed above are some of the ways they can infiltrate our lives. This isn’t a definitive list, so don’t be afraid to see how they might be infiltrating your life and skewing your decisions and choices in the process. Become free of these three ‘P’s and your life will be richer and fuller.
Also see: Catching Yourself in the Act and The Controller